FRIENDS - J. Cole

**Please note: this song has explicit language**

My parents separated when I was about 22-23 and officially divorced a decade later. It was Christmas, a few years after their separation, which we celebrated at my mom’s house. Her front patio is painted a grayish blue with the corners chipping, revealing the concrete underneath. My dad and I stood on it, leaning on the rails, winter coats on. He needed a smoke break while the kids scrambled around the house with their new toys. As he pulled out his signature yellow pack of American Spirits and lit a cigarette (the first smell I have always loved), he pulled back the curtain on a part of his life that I had known of since my youth but never understood. He told me that he never leaves his apartment because he knows that if he does, he will stop at the liquor store.

I knew he was an alcoholic. But at that moment, I truly understood that he was an addict. He couldn’t just stop drinking. He couldn’t just bypass the liquor store. He couldn’t just put the bottle down. Now, there is so much nuance to this complex story - lots of ruin and familial hurt. But for just a moment, I want to reflect on what has helped me cope with his addiction and suicide.

When faced with my dad's tragic story, I can either respond with judgment or compassion. Many around me responded, understandingly, with judgment. How could he do this? Why couldn’t he get sober? I know he wanted to. (He actually asked God incessantly to free him of his addiction. Unanswered.) And I get why they went down that path, and I’m not even sure I disagree with that expression of grief. But I held onto this simple phrase I heard in seminary that would not go quietly into the dark recesses of my mind. During a class on what it means to be human, my professor mentioned, almost as an off-handed comment, that being sinful is not the oldest truth about us. Namely, the story of Genesis 3 is preceded, though briefly, by Genesis 1 and 2.

Part of what my professor was getting at is simply this: we are storied people. That means behaviors are pregnant with winding and complex histories behind them. The problem is I only witness the behaviors and not the whole history. Because of this, I am quicker to judge than to offer grace and understanding. I'm quick to judge and slow to be curious enough to try to understand what precedes the behavior.

There's all sorts of trauma from drama that children see
Type of sh*t that normally would call for therapy
But you know just how it go in our community
Keep that sh*t inside it don't matter how hard it be
Fast forward, them kids is grown and they blowing trees
And popping pills due to chronic anxiety

I think this is what J. Cole is getting at. From the story about his mom in the song right before FRIENDS (called "Once An Addict") to the later half of FRIENDS where he unpacks what’s behind addiction. Addiction is not just a decision towards evil. It’s not just a sinner’s sinful expression. This would be starting the story with Genesis 3 and forgetting Genesis 1 and 2.

Blame it on crack, you can blame it on the system
Blame it on the fact that 12 got jurisdiction
To ride around in neighborhoods that they ain't ever lived in
Blame it on the strain that you feel when daddy missing
Blame it on Trump sh*t, blame it on Clinton
Blame it on trap music and the politicians
Or the fact that every black boy wanna be Pippen
But they only got twelve slots on the Pistons
Blame it on the rain, Milli Vanilli with the disk skip

What Cole does is take it another level deeper than just saying that you can blame addiction on other forces, situations, and people. Instead, addiction is like page 296 of the novel you are reading when you’re on page 296. It’s the furthest part of the story. It’s forward-facing. It’s the daily news. It’s not the full story.

There is a whole novel behind page 296. To choose the path of compassion instead of judgment, I'm learning I need to go further back into the story. Both in a biblical sense and a personal sense. Biblically, to remember the oldest truth about that person is they are an image bearer. Personally, to realize their behaviors have a backstory, and if I journey long enough into their history, it will probably take me through some season of intense pain they experienced. If I enter that season of pain, it keeps me from judgment and leads me to compassion.

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Lyrics

Cop another bag of smoke today
Cop another bag of smoke today
Cop another bag of smoke today
Cop another bag of smoke today
Cop another bag of smoke today
Cop another bag of smoke today
Cop another bag of smoke today
Cop another bag of smoke today

I got thoughts, can't control
Got me down, got me low
Rest my mind, rest my soul
When I blow, when I blow
Am I wrong, let them know
Feels so right to let things go
Don't think twice, this is me
This is how I should be

But I'm aggravated without it
My saddest days are without it
My Saturdays are the loudest
I'm blowing strong
Some n—s graduated with powder
I dabble later, I doubt it
My database of narcotics
It's growing long
But I'm aggravated without it
My saddest days are without it
My Saturdays are the loudest
I'm blowing strong
Some n—s graduated with powder
I dabble later, I doubt it
My database of narcotics
It's growing long

I wrote this sh*t to talk about the word addiction
To my n—a, —— I hope you listening
—— I hope you listening
This is for the whole f—g Ville I hope you're listening
Smoking medical grade, but I ain't got perscription
All the way in Cali where they ain't got precipi-
-tation, feeling like the only one that made it
And I hate it for my n—s 'cause they ain't got ambition
F—k did you expect, you can blame it on condition
Blame it on crack, you can blame it on the system
Blame it on the fact that 12 got jurisdiction
To ride around in neighborhoods that they ain't ever lived in
Blame it on the strain that you feel when daddy missing
Blame it on Trump sh*t, blame it on Clinton
Blame it on trap music and the politicians
Or the fact that every black boy wanna be Pippen
But they only got twelve slots on the Pistons
Blame it on the rain, Milli Vanilli with the disk skip
What I'm tryna say is the blame can go deep as seas
Just to blame 'em all I would need like twenty CD's
There's all sorts of trauma from drama that children see
Type of sh*t that normally would call for therapy
But you know just how it go in our community
Keep that sh*t inside it don't matter how hard it be
Fast forward, them kids is grown and they blowing trees
And popping pills due to chronic anxiety
I been saw the problem but stay silent 'cause I ain't Jesus
This ain't no trial if you desire go higher please
But f—k that now I'm older I love you 'cause you my friend
Without the drugs I want you be comfortable in your skin
I know you so I know you still keep a lot of sh*t in
You running from yourself and you buying product again
I know you say it helps and no I'm not trying to offend
But I know depression and drug addiction don't blend
Reality distorts and then you get lost in the wind
And I done seen the combo take n—s off the deep end
One thing about your demons they bound to catch up one day
I'd rather see you stand up and face them than run away
I understand this message is not the coolest to say
But if you down to try it I know of a better way
Meditate

Meditate, meditate, meditate, meditate
Don't medicate, medicate, don't medicate, medicate
Meditate, meditate, meditate, meditate
Don't medicate, medicate, don't medicate, medicate

I got thoughts, can't control
Got me down, got me low
Rest my mind, rest my soul
When I blow, when I blow
Am I wrong, let them know
Feels so right to let things go
Don't think twice, this is me
This is how I should be

Cop another bag of smoke today
Cop another bag of smoke today
Cop another bag of smoke today
Cop another bag of smoke today
Cop another bag of smoke today
Cop another bag of smoke today
Cop another bag of smoke today
Cop another bag of smoke today