"Chinese Satellite" by Phoebe Bridgers

Reflection

I want to believe.
Instead, I look at the sky and I feel nothing.
You know I hate to be alone.
I want to be wrong.

Where is God?
Does He even exist?
Why does He feel so distant when I’m seeking after Him?
Am I just wishing on a “Chinese satellite” when I pray?

These are all questions I’ve asked myself plenty of times in my life, especially in my 20s. Out of fear of how I would be perceived, I didn’t feel I could ask them at church. Instead, I found more solace in songs written by agnostics and skeptics like Phoebe Bridgers than I did at church on a Sunday morning. This is tragic because the church should be a place that embraces these questions instead of turning them away with trite platitudes.

Let’s make space for the doubters, skeptical seekers and agnostics in our communities of faith. Maybe we’ll be challenged and changed by them in a similar way that we are being challenged by these songs during Lent.

Links

Spotify

Apple Music

Amazon Music

Lyrics

I've been runnin' around in circles
Pretending to be myself
Why would somebody do this on purpose
When they could do something else?
Drowning out the morning birds
With the same three songs over and over
I wish I wrote it, but I didn't, so I learn the words
Hum along 'til the feeling's gone forever

Took a tour to see the stars
But they weren't out tonight
So I wished hard on a Chinese satellite
I want to believe
Instead, I look at the sky and I feel nothing
You know I hate to be alone
I want to be wrong

You were screamin' at the Evangelicals
They were screamin' right back from what I remember
When you said, "I will never be your vegetable"
Because I think when you're gone, it's forever
But you know I'd stand on the corner
Embarrassed with a picket sign
If it meant I would see you when I die

Sometimes, when I can't sleep
It's just a matter of time before I'm hearing things
Swore I could feel you through the walls
But that's impossible
I want to believe (I want to believe)
That if I go outside, I'll see a tractor beam
Coming to take me to where I'm from
I want to go home

For Further Reflection

1. How has doubt or distance from God informed your faith?

2. Reflect on this version of Psalm 13:1–2 and think about how it ties in with “Chinese Satellite”

   O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
   How long will you look the other way?
   How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
   with sorrow in my heart every day?
   Psalm 13:1–2

3. Additional songs that fit this theme

   1. “Where Have You Been?” by Manchester Orchestra

   2. “Faith” by The Weekend

Songs of Lent is a group of people from Christ’s Community Church in Fishers, Indiana wanting to experience the fullness of Lent through music that connects us with the universal human longing for the divine.