Balanced on the blade
The edge of a precipice
Fearing the near plungeGrief like a rhythmThe waves come and go in stepBringing sorrow near
- Anonymous
Reflection
Grief, at its core, is a poignant feeling of loss. What once was is no longer. Expectations go unmet with no possibility of ever being otherwise. Hopes shattered forever. That kind of displacement gnarls your fingernails as they rip through the mud, trying to grasp for any reason why and somehow put things back the way they were. Both of which are impossible. Both of which you have to try.
My dad took his life just over a year ago after a lifetime of battling addiction, depression, and anxiety. I miss him every day. In the wake of his death, grief remains. A cloud now shadows, some days darker than others, every moment of every day. And although the loss is hell to wade through, it tells me that more than knowing grief, I have known love, for they are the same.
And, grief is only love that's got no place to go
Yeah, grief is only love that's got no place to go
Yeah, grief is only love
Stephen Wilson Jr. artfully communicates this displacement of love in his song, Grief Is Only Love. His words and experiences teach me that grief is a signpost. The sinking ache in my stomach when I remember my dad, the lump in my throat causing choked-through sentences tell me that I have experienced the greatest of human realities: love. Yet, that love is now lost, not in the sense of being thrown away, but of being displaced. There was this real person where love would find its landing spot, its home. But in the wake of loss, that home is gone, and the love has nowhere to go. Displacement is painful but worth holding onto because it's a faithful reminder we have known love in actual, specific ways.
And I miss my father every day
The kinda pain I pray don't fade away…
So hang onto the hurting
And let it grab a hold
Stephen Wilson Jr. has another song on the album called Father's Son that comes right before Grief Is Only Love, where he tells the story of his dad and their relationship. In the song, his dad comes to life in the details he shares. The song isn't a thesis on fatherhood. It's a story with specifics. It's a personal song full of texture, which makes the loss grievous. It hits home because I don’t miss the idea of a dad. I miss my dad. I miss how he would bend and slap his knee when his rare belly laugh erupted while watching Tim Allen stand up or retelling childhood stories with his brothers and sisters. I miss how he turned the volume of his music up so loud in the house you could hear it from the street. I miss how he looked out over his glasses when you called his name from across the room. I miss how he held our babies and gave the most thoughtful gifts. You cannot grieve generalities. You cannot displace love from nowhere or nothing.
Reflecting on my unfolding story of loss, I'm learning that grief can either drive me to the Rubicon of despair or remind me, moment by moment, that grief and love are tethered. What has helped me lean into the latter is considering Jesus weeping at the loss of his good friend, Lazarus, in John 11. After Jesus weeps, those who witness it immediately connect his tears and his love for Lazarus.
Even for Jesus, grief is only love that's got no place to go.
Here's what I think I'm learning: maybe on this mourner's march God is not calling me out of grief and into some falsely proclaimed victory or positivity. Maybe he's not at the finish line waiting for me to find the silver lining and get over the tragic loss of my dad. Maybe his desire and intention are not for me to escape, forfeit, or shortcut this dreadful experience. And to be honest, I don't want to. I resonate with Stephen Wilson Jr.'s song — it's a kind of pain I pray don't fade away. I want to hang on to the hurtin' and let it grab ahold. Why? Maybe Jesus is marching in stride with me, however stumble-ridden it may be, through this grief, weeping alongside me, reminding me I’ve known love, and inching me towards loving him again.
Links
Lyrics
[Verse 1]
Life is a battlefield
And it’ll drag you right through hell
Bites like a rattlesnake
The kind that you just don’t see on the trail
I miss my father everyday
The kinda pain I pray don’t fade away
And the ones above guide me down the road
[Chorus]
Yeah, grief is only love that's got no place to go
From my great granddad in the ground
All the ghosts in my hometown
Yeah, they’re the ones that find me down the road
Yeah, grief is only love that's got no place to go
Grief is only love
[Verse 2]
The world is a cannonball
You deal with the feelings you can’t hide
God gave us alcohol
When we need to leave ‘em all inside
And I don’t feel like cryin'
But I just keep cryin'
For the ones above to guide me down the road
[Chorus]
Yeah, grief is only love that's got no place to go
From my great granddad in the ground
All the ghosts in my hometown
Yeah, they’re the ones that find me down the road
Yeah, grief is only love that's got no place to go
Grief is only love
Grief is only love
Grief is only love
[Bridge]
I don’t feel like cryin'
But I just keep cryin'
For the ones above to guide me down the road
Yeah, grief is only love that's got no place to go
[Verse 3]
So hang onto the hurtin'
And let it grab ahold
Yeah, the only thing's for certain
Is it's out of my control
[Outro]
Yeah, grief is only love that's got no place to go
Yeah, grief is only love that's got no place to go
Yeah, grief is only love
Grief is only love
Grief is only love
Grief is only love
Grief is only love
Songs of Lent is a group of people from Christ’s Community Church in Fishers, Indiana wanting to experience the fullness of Lent through music that connects us with the universal human longing for the divine.
Thank you Cameron for letting us into your pain and perspective. If not for Jesus as you state, death would have a greater grip on us. Great memories of your dad. Shalom.
Wow, Cameron — thanks for sharing and being so open and vulnerable about your dad.